December 30, 2001

San Jose Mercury News

by Ann Landers

DEAR ANN: I recently spent a long weekend at a resort and asked my oldest, married daughter to look after her two teenage siblings.  She and her husband said they would be happy to stay with my kids.  No problem.

When I returned home, my 15-year-old confided that my son-in-law had offered her marijuana while he was babysitting.  ( He apparently didn't offer any to my 13-year-old son.  ) She declined his offer but felt uncomfortable and ended up staying at a girlfriend's house.  She swore me to secrecy and begged me not to mention this to him because she does not want to create a problem in the family.

Ann, this man has a pre-teen son.  He also volunteers as a soccer coach at the local high school.  What kind of influence is he on these youngsters? I am worried sick about what could happen and furious that he would offer my daughter drugs in my own home.  I don't want to betray my daughter's confidence, but I also don't want him to get away with this.  What should I do?

In Need of Guidance in St.  Petersburg, Fla.

DEAR ST.  PETE: This is no apology for what your son-in-law did.  He is getting no pass from me, but try to understand that people of another generation do not consider marijuana a "drug" -- they view it as harmless recreation, similar to having a beer.  This is not my opinion, but I am giving your son-in-law the benefit of the doubt.  Let's say he was immature and thoughtless, but I doubt that he was attempting to become a drug source for your daughter.  Nonetheless, marijuana is illegal, and offering it to a teenage girl is completely irresponsible.  Thank heavens your daughter had the good sense to turn him down.

Your son-in-law was clearly out of line, and you should let him know it.  Don't worry about creating a "family problem." You already have one.  Also, I hope you realize this man is not an appropriate babysitter.  Under no circumstances should you ask him to "help you out" again.

( snip )